Outdoor clothing for pregnant men

I bought a gore-tex jacket from Patagonia online. It came in. I tried it. I shuddered. I wrote an email to Patagonia customer service. With pictures. Here it comes:

Dear all,

Some time ago I bought a Patagonia gore-tex jacket on the internet (M's rain shadow 84470 LMA M)). Over the years, I've worn a lot of Patagonia clothing and I've been quite happy. So, I didn't expect any problems. The package came in, I tore the plastic apart impatiently, happily pulled the jacket out and inspected it. The jacket was quite good. The material was fine, pockets were nice, all the zippers were there, etc... Then I put the jacket on. And I was in for quite a surprise. The jacket could cloth comfortably approximately 1.5 of me.

Hmm, I thought, maybe I got a wrong size. I looked at the jacket label and it said in plain English Mens M. As in medium.  

Hmm, I said again, maybe I am not a medium size person anymore. Maybe, I suddenly lost lots of weight and shrank. I measured my weight and height - 160lbs and 5'10".

Hmm, I thought, maybe I stayed the same but Americans suddenly grew in size. I checked Wikipedia. It told me that the average American adult male is 5'91/2" and 190 pounds. Well, apparently I weigh less than an average American male, I probably don't eat enough. Still, in the past I've always bought medium size clothing from all outdoors companies and they fit me fine. 

So, maybe Patagonia changed their target market to fit this avid mountaineer?

I looked at Patagonia's website. There were lots of videos with folks skiing, riding, biking, climbing, fishing and... wearing Patagonia clothing. Surprisingly enough, none of them looked like the happy guy on the picture above. In fact they all looked more like underfed shrimps, like me. Ok, the fishermen were a bit more stout, but even they would drown in this jacket. 

The jacket would also look quite good on a 9 month pregnant woman, particularly if due to a strange mutation, her belly started at her chest level as shown on the pictures below:

Did I accidentally buy a jacket from Patagonia maternity section. I looked at the label - it said men's medium. Men don't get pregnant, do they?

Oh, I finally realized it, this is a combination jacket designed to wear over a daypack on a rainy day.

.

It is such a brilliant invention. Now, I don't have to carry an extra backpack rain cover... In fact, the jacket could probably get a bit bigger to fit over a 100L full size backpack.

So, here comes the question - who was this jacket made for?

Regards,

Boris Itin.

Valdez: fishing for salmon

I like good fish as much as anybody and more than some. True enough, it wasn't famous Alaskan salmon that brought me 4,000 miles from Manhattan to Valdez; it was heli-skiing. Still, what's wrong about eating cake and having it too? A hefty chunk of fresh salmon can be a great desert to a follow a full course of Chugach powder meal.

A month before the trip, I had rented a kitchenette room in a hotel and I salivated. We would buy king salmon and halibut, caught just a day before, I thought. We would grill it or fry it lightly on a pan or just have it raw. Some salt and pepper, a drop of lemon and the sizzling fish would melt in my mouth like the best Jamon Iberico fattened on olives and acorns in sunny hills of Spain. It would not be rotten pink salmon farmed at crowded New England fisheries, flaccid like the lifeless arms of New York party girls. Instead, it would be muscular and strong, glowing red, almost like chili peppers. Or it could be halibut, pearly white, translucent yet powerful, the slayer of smaller fishes. Or it could be some other fish coming out of ocean just few miles away from the town.

As a reader inferred from the previous post, our first skiing day fell through. Depressed and sad we drove 30 miles to Valdez, the gloomy sky crushing our hopes down. The clouds covered the mountaintops, dripping snow and rain all over us.

Icing without the cake is better than nothing, I thought. King salmon would help us to last through the night. Google maps directed us to the only large food store in town. We walked into Safeway and rushed to the fish department. And we stood there dumbfounded at a complete and utter loss. As Misha said later, it felt like he went to a blind date only to meet his ex-wife. There was a total of two products: a frozen cod filet imported from Vietnam and a tilapia from Thailand. Welcome back to the Soviet planned economy of our childhood where a cargo train dragged Crimean fish from Black sea across 8,000 miles to Kamchatka at the Far East; only to pick up a load of Pacific seafood to transport it back to Crimea. We looked at the selection, we looked at each other, we stared back at the two long dead chunks of fish products on a one foot long store shelf. The fish products stared back at us. Hello, they said. Buy tasty us. We walked to a cashier, a young stout girl with bright red cheeks and a name tag that declared Hope.

"Hi, Hope", I smiled at the girl and she smiled back at me politely. "What's going on with the fish department? How come they import fish to Alaska from Asia? Where does the local fish swim to?"

"Oh," Hope said, "the local fish goes to Anchorage packaging and processing facility. Health regulations, you know. Then, the fish comes back to the local distributors but they are all closed this early into the season anyway."

I opened my mouth and closed it several times, like a fish just out of the ocean. Overwhelmed by this amazing feat of a free American society. "Well," I finally responded, "would you by any chance know where I could get some fish?"

A local guy in his thirties, in construction pants and a wife-beater shirt was buying some food next to us. Apparently he was listening to our conversation since he turned to me and said, "You could still catch some off the dock."

"Do you all, guys, eh catch your own fish all the time?" I blurted.

The cashier and the wife-beater guy looked at me somewhat confused and chorused, "well, yes."

Heli-skiing: waiting for Godot

Ancient history:
For years greed fought with desire and finally, the desire won. A year ago, my two friends, my girlfriend and I bought a heli-ski package in Valdez. Of course, it had to be the single worst year since 1960's in Alaska. Snow absolutische nicht. So, we transferred the trip to this year.

Less ancient history:
Clearly, somebody upstairs still didn't want us to go. My girlfriend's broken collarbone refused to heal with a zeal worthy of a better cause. Then, one my friends came down with some infection or other and the guys bailed out. Somehow, I managed to persuade Misha to join me at the last moment. He just got back to NYC from Moscow on Wednesday night. We hang out on Thursday and he didn't even drink that much.... And voila, my powers of persuasion, he bought an airplane ticket to Anchorage on Friday morning, packed his stuff in an hour and met me at JFK. How easy it is to persuade people to do what they want!

Day 1.
1am: we land in Anchorage.
2:15am: we finally get a car from a gentleman whose spotless work ethic is surpassed only by his towering intelligence.
3am: snoring
10:30am: skiing Alyeska (welcome to Alaska schedule - the mountain works 10:30-5:30). 6" of fresh snow pleasantly cover hard crust and moguls. The views of glaciers and half-frozen sea add the charm. The North Face right under the tram starts at 45 deg. As promised, I train Misha how to ski heavy snow and steeps - good prep for next week.
5pm: back into the car - Val-disease (local nickname for Valdez) beckons.

Day 2.
1am: snoring in Valdez
8am: we arrive at Alaska Backcountry Adventures. A few 3'x4' brown wooden houses on wheels hang out in a small parking lot and a 6-person helicopter is growing roots next to them. The Chugach mountains nestle comfortably in the clouds and a light snow is drizzling - welcome to Alaska weather.
9am: We learn 101 ways to burn time when not heli-skiing. We fill out forms, dig out avalanche beacons, hang out with the folks, stretch, do tai-chi, meet our guide with an appropriate name Sunny, hang out with her. Accordingly to her name, Sunny shines but even her light can't break through Chugach clouds.
4pm: In the local slang, we don't pop. Instead, we go back to town. Just 30 miles away from the heavy fog of Thompson Pass, the pink snow on Chugach mountains dazzles in the evening light over Valdez. Too bad, our car can't fly.
9pm: snoring again and having wet dreams of heli-skiing.

following Tocqueville

What's the difference between the american left and the american right?
The former don't trust any current government.
The latter don't trust any government.

Is it really true? I can pretty much vouch for the left wingers. I spent enough time surrounded by the left/left-center liberal white americans at work. All of them constantly criticise the American government. If they worked for the government, everything would be much better.
Unfortunately, I know very few/almost none right wingers. Judging by what I read about them or by them, the American right seem to believe that the government only breeds corruption and oppression, and the bigger is the government, the more evil it produces. Hence, the best government is a small impotent government stuck somewhere far away from them - the adults should be able to solve their problems themselves.
But this is exactly the anarchists' paradigm. Why then are anarchists considered to be leftists in american political thought? Why did the anarchists identify themselves with the left wing and not with conservatives in the early 20th century? Why do rugged individualists belong to the right wing and anarchists belong to the left wing? So many questions and no answers... Comments (particularly by the right wingers are welcome)

Cellphony of complaints

Over the last few weeks, I went through a difficult transition from a dead Iphone to an alive Nokia N8 (I bought it from a good friend of mine). Below is the brief story of my pain and suffering, in letters.

Letter 1.
Dear Friend,
You are a cell phone guru - could you generously share your deep wisdom with me?
After a long and difficult illness my Iphone finally pushed the daisies. It wasn't such a bad box of chips but I've never become a big fruit fan and I am ready to try something new. Particularly I wonder about cell phone that make better videos - as you know I am making lots of ski videos and I need all I can squeeze out of a camera.
Any ideas?
Your humble friend.

Letter 2.
Dear Friend,
Half price sounds like a great deal! I just checked video comparisons with Iphone and Samsung - Nokia has a better video indeed. Like you said, a camera that can make phone calls. The only thing that bothers me is the interface. I read very mixed reviews and lots of complaints. You know how I hate reading ever dyslexic manuals by consumer electronics engineers.
Your illiterate friend.

Letter 3.
Dear Friend,
I'll follow your advice then. Looking forward for receiving the phone.
Your grateful friend.

Letter 4.
Dear Friend,
I just opened the package and turned the phone on, babbling with excitement. Unfortunately, the latter withered like an old man's manhood. It seemed to me as if somebody just took a 1980's phone menu and copied and pasted it on a 2011 high resolution touch screen. It's like hiring Claudia Schiffer to clean a bathroom. I actually had to enter data using t9 keyboard. Am I missing something?
Your confused friend.

Letter 5.
Dear Friend,
Thank you very much for your great advice. I just installed the upgrade your recommended - by the way, who came up with a name Symbien Belle for a phone OS?! It works just a bit worse than Iphone1 menu, so it's more or less possible to operate. And, as you said, Opera browser is very fast. And it's so nice to have a fully unlocked phone. I can now transfer files to and from the computer. Oh, and I just took some videos - the camera is excellent, indeed. And it took me only few seconds to figure out how it works! Yippi-Hurrah!
Your happy friend.

Letter 6.
Dear Friend,
I hate being such a nuisance. But I am really confused. Why is the touch screen keyboard so difficult to operate? I just turned my old Iphone on to check it. I type exactly 2.5 times faster on Iphone than on Nokia. Was the phone designed for children? My fingers don't fit. Also, the buttons seemed to be positioned in wrong places. Oh, and I don't know how to turn the sound off.
Your less happy friend.

Letter 7.
Dear Friend,
You are absolutely correct, Palm keyboard was even worse. But I am not sure what it has to do with the post-Iphone era, year 2012? Also, as I was using phone/SMS functions, I realized that for the every intuitive operation I had to do in Iphone, I needed to do three less intuitive operations in Nokia. I actually spent a while reading manual. By the way, thank you for the sound ring explanation. Now, I know that turning sound off is called switching profile. Oh, well, I guess it's life. On the other hand, as you suggested, I just downloaded 4GB of free maps - it is indeed a nice feature.
Your hesitating on a brink friend.

Letter 8.
Dear Friend,
I just spent 20 min at a gas station in Rutland, VT having an intensive S&M relationship with the Google maps app on the phone. Yes, I know that Google maps have nothing to do with Nokia. Still this software works brilliantly on computer, Iphone and Android. So, why does it love me so painfully on Nokia? I wanted to see if there was a Costco store next to me, so I opened the app, waited for it to determine the location (Rutland, VT), then entered Costco. The phone happily recommended me Costco in London, UK. I tried again, checked location (still Rutland), tried two different search windows, I was still recommended London branch. Is London Costco so much better than its American brethren? Should I seriously consider flying to London to visit the store? Anyway, I entered Costco, Rutland VT, to see what happens. The phone happily suggested that I go to PA. Why PA? Why not? I could always visit Fallingwater. I opened Nokia maps and found myself to be in Washington, DC. I panicked and quickly looked around me - it didn't look like the Den of Corruption and Iniquity. It still looked like Rutland VT. I gave up and asked a gas station clerk. He functioned better than Nokia.
Your decisively unhappy friend.

Letter 9.
Dear Friend,
Following your suggestion, I reset all the settings, power recycled the phone, reinstalled Google maps and it worked! Hurrah. Now I know where the nearest Walmart is. By the way, the phone completely discharged in less than two hours, because I didn't turn off... Google Maps. And USB-microUSB charger doesn't work in the car or from the wall, it only works from the computer. So, I can't really charge the phone till I get home.
Your almost resigned friend.

Letter 10,
Dear Friend,
Whatever.
Me.